Whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed or contemplative, I ask for help from the late Dr. Wayne Dyer, author and spiritual teacher who doles out inspirational wisdom.
When I can’t find time to read one of his self-help books, which is frequently, I take a shortcut and listen to one of his seminars. I typically put in my ear buds and let his advice roll over me while I’m walking on the treadmill or, more recently, riding my bike.
When I’m cruising around town and something strikes me as particularly profound (which is about every six minutes with Wayne), I slam on the breaks, jump off the bike, grab my iPhone from the basket, open the notes app, and jot down this new pearl of wisdom.
As you can imagine, there’s nothing peaceful or particularly graceful about this process, but it works. And it allows me to savor his sage advice, long after he changes topics and I change gears.
Here’s my most recent slam-on-the-breaks moment:
Wayne was talking about how common it is in our busy lives to feel like we’re trapped, metaphorically, in a room. We’re pacing back and forth, anxious and overwhelmed, and we just want to get out. So what do we do? We exert time and energy and a lot of effort to get the door open. We bang on it, push on it, throw ourselves against it, maybe we even kick it in—while desperately thinking, “Get me out of here!”
We believe that if we push hard enough, we can get out.
Apply this metaphor to the last time you wanted to escape a difficult situation—a work environment that was stressing you out, a relationship that was headed downhill, or your kids refusing to eat their vegetables.
Like myself, I’ll bet you exerted a lot of time and effort pushing against those situations to escape them—working later into the night, putting more effort into your sour relationship, or strong-arming your kids into submission at the dinner table.
But here’s the zinger, the point that made me jump off my bike in the middle of traffic. Wayne explained that while we’re pushing and pushing to get out of the room, we fail to realize that the door opens inward.
My head almost exploded inside my bike helmet.
We think that power, might, control, and exertion will get us what we want in life. But it’s simply not true. The door opens inward.
All you have to do is take a deep breath, step back from the situation, and look inward—and the door will open without effort. And you’re free. Free to get out of the room, free to roam the house. Hell, you can even leave the house if you want. You’re no longer trapped.
The source of all your frustration is on the inside. The answer to all of your challenges is on the inside. The foundation of all your happiness is on the inside. You won’t find it on the outside. And trying to push yourself there is futile, at best. It’s wasted energy.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: if you aren’t throwing yourself at the issue, how will it EVER get better? Here’s a quick, three-step exercise I use in my workshops:
1. Identify a goal that’s been on your mind lately. Maybe you want to be promoted to vice president, maybe you want your kids to do their chores without complaining, maybe you want to find a new job or reno your kitchen.
When I first did this exercise several years ago, my goal was to find a job that had enough flexibility that I could travel internationally for pleasure, more often.
2. Imagine that you achieve that goal. Assume your ambition has become a reality. Good job, you. Name three adjectives to describe how you feel as a result.
In my case, if I could travel more internationally for fun, I’d feel free, cultured, and whole.
Your turn. What are your three adjectives?
3. Imagine that you’re never going to achieve your goal. Your kitchen is never going to be renovated, you’re never going to see the words “vice president” on your business cards, your kids will go to college insisting French fries are a vegetable. If you’re never going to achieve your goal, what three things can you start doing today to get those same feelings and be able to describe yourself with those same three adjectives?
Here’s where it gets tricky.
Okay, if I never traveled internationally again, how could I feel free, cultured and whole? Well, I could turn my email off on the weekends and get outside more, I could speak French with my girlfriend, who is fluent, and I could watch more documentaries and less Kardashians.
Again with the head explosion.
It’s much easier—and it takes much less effort—for me to watch a documentary than to find a new career or wait for someone to give me unlimited paid time off.
We believe wholeheartedly that certain status symbols and external accomplishments are the key to happiness, and we push tirelessly to try to make them happen.
But at the end of the day, to feel free, we really just want to feel our three adjectives.
If we look inside ourselves, if we point the telescope inward, we have the ability to control our happiness with much less effort and a lot more effectiveness.
The answers to your challenges are inside you. If you’d stop pushing so hard to force your situation to change, you’d realize that the door swings toward you, not away.
Thanks, Wayne.
